The Whole Can

…I felt a surge of defiance and knew what I was going to do the next day. Instead of driving to Marshall, I drove to the recruiting station and signed up. 8 months later in September of 1991, he would walk in.

As boot camp loomed closer, I was so nervous. What if I can’t do it. What if I fail? Let’s be honest, I am not a physically strong person. Sure, I played sports in High School but I was always warming the bench for the real players. I told myself that the years of sexual abuse and domestic violence do not exactly foster strength. Even now as I write this, my mind goes back to the years of such fear and hopelessness that I find my hands shaking and tears welling. I think 15 was the first time I truly struggled with which would be worse, committing suicide and living my afterlife in hell for it or continuing to live the hell I was already in.  My deciding factor was that I could not leave my younger siblings alone, I had to keep protecting them. What I could not know, is those years from 8-18 hardened me in ways that would make me the perfect clay for the Marines to mold.

The day finally arrived and I stepped off the bus onto those Yellow Footprints and heard the famous words, “You are now aboard Marine Corps Recruit Depot Parris Island, South Carolina, and you have just taken the first step toward becoming a member of the world’s finest fighting force — the United States Marine Corps”.

The final step of leaving my old civilian world behind and becoming someone I could be proud of was stepping through these silver hatches!

The sights, sounds, smells and memories of boot camp are not something that can be described on paper. It is something that has to be experienced. It pushes you past what you think is your limit, and shows you that you are much stronger than you could ever imagine. I quickly learned that while the Drill Instructors were terrifying, it was not really as scary as an angry step father. The DI’s had a reason for it, to make me a Marine! Somehow, I took to the training. They picked me out early to be a leader, likely because I was hiding in the back with zero confidence. However, it made me feel empowered which is nothing I had never felt before. As each week progressed, I stood a little taller, held my head higher (but never looked at the DI in the eyes… “eyeballs snap” for my fellow Marines reading). The DI’s were on us 24/7 and the stress was non-stop but guess what, the mental stress was something I was use too!! All that I had gone through was perfect preparation for this very moment. I had walked through the sliver hatches feeling weak and helpless but they taught me how to protect myself and those around me. I learned how to be confident and proud. We learned about the Marine’s culture, heritage and traditions. I started to feel a part of a real family full of rich history.  I ended up being one of two Platoon Honor Grads and was allowed to wear my Dress Blues at Graduation. As I stood there, watching our flag wave in the wind, listening to The Marines’ Hymn and The National Anthem with tears rolling down my face, I told myself I would never be a victim again. I had earned my Eagle, Globe and Anchor and it was something that no one could ever take from me!

I was allowed to go home for 14 days and help the recruiters and then I went to Millington, TN for my MOS school which was “Parachute Rigging”. Because of my Honor Grad position I was promoted to Lance Corporal. Once I arrived at the barracks I was told I was the senior female and therefore going be in charge of all the female Marines. This meant keeping everyone organized, marching us back and forth to chow and school. I was also responsible for reporting morning muster as all present and/or accounted for. After a couple of weeks, I got the routine down. School still had structure and rules but there were pockets of personal time as well. One of the ways I feel boot camp failed me and my other sister Marines is that they never prepared us for the onslaught of attention we would receive hitting the fleet. 5% of Marines are women so that is a huge imbalance and I felt I was back in the same sexual pressure cooker as before. Female Marines quickly get a bad reputation even if you only date a couple of guys over a period of time and I was no different. There is so much I could say around this topic and I will another time but something awesome is about to happen to me so take a deep breath and watch as a love story unfolds.

I woke up every morning before my platoon because it was my responsibility to take muster for the female Marines. I frequently wished another WM (woman Marine) of higher rank would check in and take over but very soon it would be my favorite part of the day! I threw on my PT gear and headed out to make sure everyone was in their rooms and getting ready.  After reporting to the Staff Sergeant we headed out for a run. Once we were back, showered and had morning chow I had to march my squad to school. It was still very organized and all students must go to and from in proper formation. School was split between classroom time and hands on parachute packing. After school was like the morning in reverse. Chow, PT and for the others this day it was personal time. Unfortunately for me, I had duty that night on the quarterdeck (History of the Quarterdeck) of the barracks. Your job is to keep a log of anyone that checked in or out and any pass down for the next duty.

There I am, standing in that itchy Alpha skirt, khaki blouse with my necktie and ugly military corframs (shiny black dress shoes) wishing I was anywhere else but there. Then, like in the movies, the doors open in front of me and in walked the most beautiful Marine I had ever seen. He was tall, muscular and had a chest of medals that indicated he was recently back from Desert Storm. Not only that, he had on a French Fourragere which I had never seen on a Marine in person!!!  It was awarded to the members of the 5th and 6th Marine Regiments for their heroic actions during the Battle of Belleau Wood from the French government in WWI. As he approached me I felt my palms sweat… do I salute and report? Do I just say “good evening Sergeant”? I am so going to F*#k this up and make a fool out of myself. Ok, deep breath. He is in full Alpha’s and took his cover off when he walked in so he has to be checking in, not here for a report.

“Good evening Sergeant”. “Good evening Lance Corporal” he said in a voice that absolutely matched his looks. I felt like I was in an old movie and I should be fanning myself. “Sergeant Wippler checking in for school.” Good god Collins (my maiden name) get a grip, where is your bearing and tact? You stood for hours being eaten alive by sand fleas on Parris Island, this is just a fellow Marine checking in. “OK Sergeant”, and then I wrote his name in my heart… I mean the duty book of course. He and his fellow Marines (yes there were some others with him but I don’t remember them) grabbed their gear and headed to their rooms.

The next couple of days I didn’t see him at all but I could not get him out of my mind. I wondered why he was there and what school he was in. A few days later, I got up, took muster and as I was standing in the SSGT’s office reporting, three single knocks (as is tradition) came from the door followed by SGT Wippler requesting permission to enter. My heart quickened and I choked back a smile. In he came apparently to also report muster as he was now the highest rank among the male Marines. He played it cool for the 1st couple of days. We went in and reported. We were polite, “Good morning Sergeant, good morning Lance Corporal”. Then one morning, he looked me in the eye and smiled as he said, “Good morning Lance Corporal Collins”…. WHAT, he said my name and he smiled. I melted, smiled and PT that day was a breeze!!!

For the next couple of weeks, reporting morning muster was my favorite part of the day! I would see him here and there outside of that moment but the Marines look down on fraternization (higher ranking marines, even same-sex, having social time with lower ranking marines) and since he was a Sergeant and I was a Lance Corporal we hung in different circles. There was an exception for him because he was in a school scenario so technically some of those Fleet rules didn’t apply really but everyone still maintained a respect of rank structure.

One morning I went to the inside mail boxes (there were no locks but we did have assigned numbers) and I found a butterscotch candy in mine. Somehow, I knew it was from him. The morning flirting began and the candies flowed. I am not sure how many of you remember but in the early 90’s there was a trend of saying that if you gave someone the tab from a soda can, they owed you a kiss. Soooo, one day, I go to get my butterscotch candy and guess what was in my mail box instead??? You guess it!! A kiss?? My stomach got butterflies and I started giggling to myself! Where, how, is he serious? The next morning (it was a Friday) I didn’t know how to act. I could not wait to see him. After muster he let me know there was a get together that evening off base and I was welcome to come and then he smiled…that smile that melted me. That smile that melted all the years before when I never thought I would find my way. The smile that shined like a beacon in a light house showing me the way.

I got dressed that evening and it was terrifying to wear civilian clothes, let my hair down and just be me. It was so much easier to hide behind my cammies and tough exterior. I was never considered a pretty girl and I certainly didn’t get much attention in High School. I had no idea how I attracted the attention of this amazingly gorgeous man. When I got there he was hanging out over the balcony with some buddies and I joined him. We had been flirting for weeks and this was really the 1st time I was off base and alone with him. It was a cool November evening and the Tennessee sky was clear and full of stars. We finally had time to talk, really talk. I shared basic family info, god forbid I tell him about my history and run him off immediately! He also shared that he wanted me to know he was separated from his wife and their divorce would be final in December. He also told me he had a daughter that he loved more than anything. Remember that my mom had been married 5 times at this point and I had 4 half siblings so the information did not even phase me. I am sure in some weird way, it made me feel he was normal. The evening went way too fast. The feeling standing next to him, leaning on the balcony under the stars was like the feeling that you have when you see a beautiful butterfly on a gorgeous flower. When you see a fluffy puppy run across a green meadow with his ears flopping in the wind. When you see an eagle soar above you in front of a beautiful blue sky. It just feels right and perfect and meant to be! As the time got late and curfew for us lower Marines approached I had to leave. I was nervous wondering if he was going to cash in that can tab and while I was in my head about it… he gently grabbed my chin, turned up my head and kissed me. I can still remember the feeling of his lips, his hand slipping behind my lower back pulling me close. I remember how sweet, soft, passionate and perfect it was and how when he pulled away I knew I had met my soul mate. Mammaw was right.

At least once a day my mail box always contained a butterscotch candy and a soda tab. The game was trying to find a way to cash it in at least once a day which was not easy given our different schedules and trying to keep it from being obvious. While we kept our distance in public and when in uniform, there were stolen kisses every time we could sneak them. It was quite cloak and dagger and case you are wondering (because people always want the intimate details) no, it had only been weeks of flirting and kisses, nothing more.

I know I was a young, silly and damaged girl but also for the first time in my life was really in love. Young, brave and confident love that makes you do crazy things. The week of Thanksgiving I decided to take a huge but calculated risk. I skipped the grenade and launched a missile. I put in his mail box an entire coke can and wrote on it, “here is the whole can”. For me, it did not just mean sex (I mean, let’s be real that sex was on my mind) it meant everything I hoped to have in our future. I was nervous all day and did not see him once even though I looked. I came back to the barracks after lunch to find the can back in my box with a card that said simply “I accept, you will make a great Dash 2.” (that is the military term used to describe a wingman which he still calls me today) and it was just what I wanted to hear.

 

 

As I stool there in the barracks holding that silly coke can, a feeling of warmth, calm and peace flooded over me like a typhoon. I knew, no matter what, that from that day forward, I would be fine.