As time went on, my pain began to surface. I could no longer keep it suppressed and it finally bubbled over into anger. The broken thing about me is that I don’t seem to have a flight response. I just buckle down and fight until it’s over and then build a wall around the pain. One day I hope my fortress will be completed.
You know how you start with a negative thought and it spins into a web that even the most experienced spider would envy? Well, sit back and watch how I made “some pig” look like a kindergartener spun it. There were frequent webs that would weave their way through my brain, heart and mind every day. Sometimes they were in the same order, sometimes grouped differently but it always ended with me so angry I wanted to scream “shield wall” and get ready for battle.
This was a typical web:
I felt as though I had a triple personality. I was wife/lover, mother and best friend. None of these ladies got along with each other and each had their own wants, needs and life goals. The reality is that I spent more time fighting with them then I did him. John was maddening through this phase because he was so understanding. He did not engage my anger, did not push all the very exposed buttons and always tried to address me in a calm and kind manner. IT MADE ME CRAZY!!!!
I think that sometimes people don’t realize that when someone “comes out” their partner is dragged out of the closet with them, like it or not. For me, that created so much anxiety, fear and frustration and that is also when I realized I had three very strong personalities fighting for control. He had known who he really was for at least 45 years and now that he spoke his truth he was ready to make up for lost time. I had only known for a few months and things were moving way too fast for me.
It seemed that every time we created boundaries and time lines he would move them. I remember the very first battle of the transition war. It is not going to seem like a big deal to you but it is when the wife in me realized I could not stop the tide. I went to the store and as I was walking in the door doing the puppy shuffle (we run a dog rescue) when I look up to see him coming out of the bathroom. As our eyes met, I immediately noticed he had shaved his goatee and mustache! It was such a shock visually and I immediately felt a pit in my stomach. Sure he had shaved and grew it before but this was different. It was not because it was hot out or had become itchy, it was because it was a visual reminder for him of being in a body he did not identify with (and yet one I adored). At first the wife in me asked if maybe he could let it grow back here and there. I focused on this like it was the most important thing in the world. Even now looking back, the wife can feel some sadness creeping back at what was. The lover in me started to ask the question, what happens if I become no longer attracted to him?
Little did I know that the struggle between the three Lisas would get more and more violent before they could learn to bargain and compromise. The wife and mother spent weeks being angry after each step he took toward being his authentic self. The best friend and soul mate was able to celebrate at times, even early on the moments she could see the light in his eyes and freedom in his soul when he was able to simply wear something soft and feminine to bed. To complete the picture and answer your question because I know you are thinking it, I am not talking about lingerie or something scandalous. I mean something simple as a cotton PJ set or soft gown. Seeing that look of peace and calm in his face while he slept caused such turmoil in my heart and soul. I wanted him to be happy, I really did so why was this so hard?
He started support group and counseling. Lisa the wife and mother thought it was a great idea because he was going to figure out he was not transgender right? The best friend was happy he could be himself finally in a group of people who understood. He met a married couple there and was able to spend time with them. At first I thought it was good for him until I felt he was pulling away some. One night after support group he came home with a nose ring without us discussing it before. Then the nails started, longer and more color. Another time it was a new tattoo. We always did these things together and talked about them before. I felt during this period of time that the more he found himself, the more the wife faded into the background. The mom started to take charge and boy, she is strong. She does not know flight and she does not back down. To say I would take a bullet for my boys is a literal statement. Don’t get me wrong, I know we raised amazing, open, accepting boys. The military gave them a great understanding of other races, religions and my world in surrogacy made them open to all family types (thank you @growinggenerations). However, I worked so damn hard to make sure they had the great example of a wonderful marriage and in tact family. What are they going to think of marriage now? He will NOT tell them about this, he will not ruin what we have built. What are they going to think of themselves? Their dad was a very strong male role model and he will not make them question themselves.
Mom was still in charge when the next big challenge occured. Since the onset of his announcement to me he said he hated that he had no eyebrows. I kept saying, “join millions of other women who draw them on every morning”. As weeks went on he started to say he wanted to get them tattooed on as well as permanent eye liner. I could not understand it no matter how he tried to explain. Why permanent? What if he wanted to go to the kids events? How can we keep this quiet if you do that (that is right, we can’t).
This was going to be my line in the sand. The mom was not going to back down, so much was at stake and it was my job to stand up for the kids. We were going to take back control of our life. Wait, I said “we”? Dammit, that is right. I am not just a mom. I am a wife, lover, best friend and soul mate. We all have to listen to each other and come up with a compromise. We can’t just stay angry forever but are we ready to move forward no matter what that looks like? Are we ready for Part #3?
It is time to start bargaining?
I am Fine. 
This is so good LIsa! Thank you so much for sharing.
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