…now self doubt enters my mind and heart. Not in small drops, but in huge tidal waves that seem to knock me over so frequently I can’t catch my breath.
Thinking back to those first few weeks after he told me, my emotions were all over the place. I now realize this is when I started the Grief process. I had to grieve my marriage as I knew it, my husband as I knew him, and our life as I imagined it would be going forward. According to The Five Stages of Grief there is a process we all go through to accept a loss. I learned after losing my dad that these stages are not specifically linear for me. I tend to spend a long time in denial and anger and hop back and forth with them all before I make it to the other side. However, so you all don’t truly worry about my sanity from seeing how my brain really works, I thought it would be easier to just go through them in order.
Denial is the 1st stage and it manifests for me in the form of “I’m Fine”. Frankly, I just decided that I was going to ignore the whole thing for a couple of months until after our 25th Anniversary. For some reason, I told myself if I can just make it through that, I can deal with it then. At that point, I could not even think about it without crying much less talk about it. John tried to bring it up of course and anytime he did I sped past denial right into anger. Well that was his fault right? Everyone knows you have to let someone go through denial first! As March 4th approached, I asked him if he even wanted to do the photos? I am not proud of myself looking back at this point. I was quite snarky when I asked him a couple days before the photos “are you sure you want to let me be the one in heels?” Ouch, right. The day came and was made easier in a way because the professional photographers happen to be our oldest son and his wife. I think the photos turned out amazing not only because they are amazing at what they do but also because I am never happier than when I am in the presence of one of my sons. They both make my soul smile and I was able to keep pretending everything was normal for a little while longer. For this Blog I went back through all the photos from the day. I can remember how much I was holding on to the hope that somehow things were not going to change!! We are just so perfect together and god how I love him.
Denial idea #1: To be completely honest, I decided did not believe him. After our Anniversary was behind us, I started by telling myself he just must be bored. Over the years he got bored and would get into something crazy until he reached the top: Master Scuba Diver, sky diving, Private pilot license, Criminal justice and small engine repair degrees and 32 degree Mason as well as a Shriner!!! He even got into competitive swimming (gold medal) and small sail boat racing at one point. Now don’t be too hard on me. I was so confused and scared I was justifying anything my mind fed me. Could it just be he was bored with our sex life (sorry kids)? Maybe it was just not exciting enough for him after 26 years? I mean, I thought it was still great but while our idea of quality has always matched, quantity sure didn’t on his end. That must be it. Why did he have to be so dramatic about it though? I have never been a dress up kinda girl but I could try for my marriage! I was thinking something like Lagertha and Ragnar from the Vikings TV Series!
Now that I had totally figured out what was going on, I told myself to just be patient and it would go away as soon as he found a new hobby. Of course, I would also chat with him about our sex life in case that was it. While I waited though, I would do some reading and research as usual. Knowledge is power right? I started with what I am sure is a normal place: Cross Dressing in men. I read quite a few articles and it actually left me feeling more confused as well as a little bit panicked. I had to sit down with him and ask him all the things that were now on my mind that had not been there before. Most of the articles make cross dressers seem like some weird pervert or that wearing women’s clothes gives them some sexual gratification (looking back now that really makes me sad there are not more positive resources for the people who actually fall into this category). It was not really a comfortable conversation and we both cried a lot. I realized quickly he was not a cross dresser and I went back into my denial shell and continued to grieving for a couple more months. I am sure this is when his dysphoria was at an all time high.
Don’t I deserve to just grow old with my husband? I just want to be the grandparents that have been together for 50 years. I just want my love story to last. Oh… and I am NOT a lesbian. Let’s not forget that statement swirling around in my head. We will come back to this one because I know the question everyone wants to ask is “what about sex??”
Denial idea #2 came to me a few months later when my brain realized things were never going to go back to before that night in the parking lot BUT still refused to believe he was transgender: He is just gay. DUH! I mean, that seems so much easier and I have heard of this happening lots of times. John of course did not grow up in an culture of gay acceptance in the South or the Catholic Church in the 70’s and 80’s. Joining the Marines would have helped him be a macho man and hide it well. If he were gay, well, there is nothing I could do about that, right? It in no way could be my fault or a reflection on my partnership over the years. It sucks, but heck working for @growinggenerations the last 7 years has really opened my heart so much. I now know a lot of gay men who turn the heads of of straight woman every day. John would totally fall in that category. It is pretty clear what would need to happen next. I could be mad at him and say he “wasted” 1/2 my life but we have 2 great kids and had an amazing 26 years. Yea, he is totally gay and he just can’t admit it to himself, or me. He is just confused and to him saying he has always been a woman (and then he can be with men with more acceptance) will sit better with his family and friends.
Back to Google I go! There is so much research and stories about men who wait till their 50’s to come out. I could find all kinds of support on why John fit the stereotype. The kids were grown, he was retired, we moved to a more remote area with a small population. Armed with my new research, it was time to have another “conversation” and make him finally confess what I already knew. If I start off by letting him know “I am fine,” I understand and I will always love him he will feel relieved and ready to talk. I totally got this. Take a deep breath and don’t f*^k this up. We sat at the amazing 16ft long viking style table he hand built for me and started to finally talk. We talked for hours. We cried, we laughed we ate ice cream and shared memories.
This is where things really started to get confusing for me. As a biological woman attracted to men I had never really thought about gender identity and sexual preference being two separate things. I really never realized what a privileged that is. How simple it sounds but how very complex it can be. The fog off denial started to lift. All of my real emotions began to surface and they were not pretty. Stage 2: Anger was going to be ugly!
I am Fine. 