…..I could only make out that if he told me, our lives would never be the same and he would lose everything.
So many things raced through my mind. Did he have an affair? Well, that would be really bad but I am not sure that it would be the end. Does he have a secret love child he just found out about? I know this makes it seem like maybe we have a history of infidelity, but we don’t. You have to understand that I totally and completely felt that our relationship was a solid. I would go as far as to say that I thought we were bullet proof so another woman was literally the only thing I could comprehend.
Everyone who knows me will verify hearing me say how much I love (and am still attracted to) my husband. They will tell you we really are the perfect couple. He is 100% my type! The actors that would be on my “list” (come on we all have one) are variations of him so what would be the point? I have my perfect man. The Rock, Vin Diesel, Jason Momoa and just about anyone on The Vikings TV Series… you get the picture. I had a few sexual encounters before I met John. Some unwanted, some because I felt pressure, some because I felt I didn’t deserve better but John, he was the 1st man I felt passion for.
So back to the parking lot (sorry, I will get off on tangents I am sure during this process but I think it will be important to the story). He started by saying, “you know when we watch Ru Paul’s drag race”? Well, of course I do. We have seen every episode. We know all the winners and all the songs. So now I am thinking, wait, is he bi-sexual? Gay? No, there is just no way. I would know. I mean, I work for @growinggenerations and I help gay couples all day long. Of course I have heard of partners coming out after all the kids are grown but that is not us. Right? Ok, just breathe and look at him and listen. Yes, of course babe but what does that have to do with this? He breathes, but closes his eyes again and says “I don’t even know how to say it”. At this point the mom and Marine in me kicks in and I am over the suspense so I start to try to pull it out of him gently and kindly. Did you have an affair? “No! Of course not” he says. Are you gay? “Not exactly”, he says. THEN WHAT? Please just tell me, you are starting to frustrate me I say. So finally, after what seemed like a lifetime, he says, “when we watch Ru Paul, I don’t just want to dress up like they do, from the time I was little, I always felt I should have been born a girl”.
Wait, did I just really hear that right? How is that even possible? Am I being punked? I could not have been more surprised if he said he was one of the guys on AshleyMadison.com and had affairs with 3 Red headed women (at the same time). I have known this man since I was 19 and I would have noticed something over the years. No one can hide this big of a secret for 26 years can they? I mean, there is nothing feminine about him. I simply shake my head and say that I don’t understand but we should go home and talk about it more. The short ride home was very long.
I don’t remember even picking up the conversation that night although I am sure we did. We always talked about everything no matter how hard. Communication and trust was the backbone of who we were. That is why our marriage was so strong after so long; but it wasn’t really was it? If it were, he would have told me before. Before the kids, before the decades, before half my life was over, before I dreamed of growing old together…. Now self doubt enters my mind and heart. Not in small drops, but in huge tidal waves that seem to knock me over so frequently I can’t catch my breath.
I am not fine… will I be?
Lisa
I am Fine. 